My partner has recently, officially moved into the household, something both of us have been looking forward to for a while. As you might imagine, being around each other more has meant more opportunities for sex. And we’ve been taking advantage of those opportunities. With great enthusiasm. Like, a lot. *blush* This is the first time (for either of us) being paired with a partner of roughly equivalent libido, and we’re finding out our appetites are even larger than we would have guessed.

Imagine being raised in an environment where you could have exactly one chocolate-chip cookie, once a year at Christmas. What bliss, what joy, that single cookie, how eagerly anticipated! Over the years, you might find yourself growing greedy for just a little more. Oh, if only you could have a cookie on your birthday as well, just one more cookie, surely that would be nirvana, all a person could possibly want!

Then you find myself in the position of being an adult, with no such constraints. And gleefully eating an entire plate of cookies at a single sitting. Regularly.

Which is to say, yes, there has been some gluttony lately. Thus far, there’s little indication of it tapering off. But how does one know if one doesn’t keep records?

It just so happens that the aforementioned partner and I are about to take our longest trip ever together, two and a half weeks in Greece. Staying in villas, basking in the Greek sun, swimming in the Aegean, slathered in olive oil. During this trip, I’m going to attempt to document all of our sexual activity. I don’t imagine I’ll have the focus to write it all up in florid detail, but I would like to capture the rough outlines of frequency, duration, circumstances, positions.

So there you are. Stay tuned for updates; I hope they make you wet with joy and green with envy! 🙂

When a new acquaintance tells me they are “vegetarian“, I can’t help but wince. Not because I begrudge them their food choices, not even a little! I wince because there’s just not a lot of information I can glean from that label. Do they eat eggs? How about fish? Dairy? Really, all I know for sure is that this person has some dietary preferences, mostly (but not necessarily exclusively!) around meat.

The reason I bring this up on this blog is that I have much the same feeling around the labels “polyamory” and “open relationship”. The spectrum of options and possibilities under that label is so impossibly broad as to carry almost no data at all. About the most I can assume is you’re doing something that is not quite the same as (and maybe completely, totally different from) traditional monogamy.

While the subtle details and implications may be far more than your parents care to know, if I’m considering getting involved with you I want to know all the juicy details of what you mean by “open relationship“. For instance, does your partner(s) know? (Yikes! I hate that this question even needs to be asked! How do I know your partner(s) are really on-board?) Is this a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” arrangement, or do you discuss every little detail with your partner(s)? What rules of engagement do you practice? Are you in a closed polyfidelitous structure, or do your partner(s) have other partners? How long have you been doing this? Is this a decision you made at a rave last weekend, or is this something you’ve been doing for years?

Worse yet, there’s the risk that I might assume your definition and understanding of the label is identical to my own. (Red flag word, assume.) This is an area where I want to make sure there is a minimum of accidental misunderstandings before things progress too far.

Bottom line, a label as broad as those is not an answer; at most it is a starting point for a more involved and pointed discussion. Beware of big labels and when in doubt, ask lots of questions!

10. July 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: theory · Tags: ,

Let’s talk about cheating.

It seems like I see a lot of questions on various forums (fora, if your’e a Latin geek) that all amount to, “When I do [fill in the blank], is that considered cheating?”

Of course, this isn’t a new question. But I think the internet has opened up all sorts of novel variations on the question. “If I’m having sexy online text chats with a stranger, is that cheating?” “If I’m having naked chats on omega with a friend, is that cheating?” “If I’m role playing sex on Second Life, is that cheating?” “If I’m masturbating to internet porn, is that cheating?”

To my mind, there are too many possible scenarios to create special case rules for each one. So I’ve got one general rule of thumb:

If I feel as though I need to hide some behavior from a sex partner, that’s cheating.

Of course, this means that deciding if something counts as cheating will vary hugely from relationship to relationship. There are some relationships where simply looking at a hot person sashaying down the street would count as cheating. And there are other relationships where you could have unprotected sex with a total stranger and that wouldn’t be consider cheating. Mind you, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where either of those extremes applied, but you get the idea.

The criteria I’m aiming towards is honesty. I think everyone deserves to know what risks they are accepting and embracing when they enter into a relationship. No one deserves to be blindsided by an unexpected STD, or a jealous, vindictive “other man/woman”. I firmly believe a relationship should be a thing of trust, safety and security.

What this all leads to is a need for open discussion, at multiple stages of a relationship. Own your sexuality, be proud of it, don’t hide it. If your kink involves cross-country skyping with your ex-boyfriend from high school, more power to you. But don’t hide it from your partner and then feign surprise at their hurt, and don’t try to claim, “Of course this doesn’t count as cheating!” You wouldn’t have felt the need to hide it if you didn’t know it was cheating.

10. July 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: theory · Tags:

It took me a while to find the words for it, but I’m a sex geek.

Some people are baseball geeks. They can recite the batting order for their favorite team, rattle off statistics, and are there on opening day of the pre-season.

Some people are computer geeks. They read assembly code, contribute to open source projects, and install linux distros for fun.

I’m a sex geek. I like reading papers about the anatomy of sex, including videos of MRI scans of people having sex. I know the difference between the Kinsey Scale and the Klein Grid. I enjoy arguing about the usage of the terms “gender” and “sex”. I like watching sex, I like writing about sex, I like having sex. As with pizza, I believe even bad sex is pretty good.

As hobbies go, sex doesn’t suck. *snort* Done properly, sex isn’t illegal, immoral, or fattening. It can be done indoors or out. Sex is an option regardless of the weather. It doesn’t necessarily require special equipment or tools. Sex is just plain, good fun!

I’m starting this blog to write about sex. Sometimes I’ll be sharing news and information about sex that I’ve found interesting. Sometimes I’ll be sharing sexy, salacious links that have caught my eye. And mostly I’ll be writing about my own experiences with sex. I hope you enjoy it!

And as if it needed to be said… this blog is Not Safe For Work!