In my relationships, I use safewords for edgier sex play. Simply having a discussion with a partner about safewords can be reassuring, as it establishes that consent is massively important and that both parties have a vehicle for clearly, unequivocally withdrawing consent at any given moment. I also appreciate the sense of freedom safewords can imply. Knowing that your partner has a safeword frees you from trying to second guess the meaning of the occasional “Ow!”, “Sonofabitch!”, or “Fucking hell!” Curse me all you like, I’m not stopping until you use your safeword. *grin*

At the suggestion of some more experienced hands, I’ve adopted the “traffic light” colors of safewords. “Green” means everything is fine and please continue. In practical terms, once a scene is begun “green” tends to be taken as given and almost never used. “Yellow” means, the action needs to be paused while something is adjusted. Maybe a wrist cuff is cutting off circulation, or someone urgently needs to pee, or a muscle cramp is ruining a good time. “Yellow” tends to imply that things are mostly okay, but some changes need to be made before the action can continue. “Red” means done, full stop, game over. There’s no negotiating or debating a “red”; release any bindings and proceed directly to aftercare (do not pass Go!, do not collect $200).

Even when safewords have been fully discussed and agreed upon, there are still those people who appear very reluctant to actually invoke a safeword. Some people seem to feel like using a safeword is a failure in some way. Maybe it feels like admitting they couldn’t take some sensation that they think they should be able to handle, or perhaps they fear that saying the safeword will disappoint their partner, particularly in dom/sub situations.

Speaking for myself, I really appreciate it when my partner uses a safeword. At the very least, it shows they know their own boundaries and will communicate them, always a good thing in my experience. But there is an additional benefit. As a dom, I want to push my sub’s boundaries, to take them to a place they have never been before. In order to do that, I need to know what their boundaries are. And if a sub refuses to use a safeword, in a very real way they are refusing to communicate what their boundaries are. Boo, hiss! I want to know where those boundaries are, with crystal clarity. I want to be able to bring someone right up to the precipice and use their fear and anxiety as part of the experience. The more my partner can share, the better I’m going to be at taking them on that journey.

And on a happy note, I finally got Cheer to say her safeword! I had to cheat a little bit to get there, but I’m okay with that. 🙂